Waiting for Him Read online

  "I don't understand," Lyn whispered.

  I knew he didn't, and that was part of the problem.

  "I don't want to hurt you."

  "You hurt me when you ignored me." Lyn's voice grew stronger as he talked, louder. "You hurt me when you left my bed after fucking me and—"

  "It wasn't fucking." I spun around, clenching my hands. My skin crawled with repressed anger. "I never fucked you. I loved on you. I worshiped you. I adored you. But I never fucked you."

  Lyn inhaled a shaky breath. "You made me feel cheap."

  Well, just stab me in the heart, why don't you?

  I backed up until I felt the wall behind me. My shoulders slumped. "I never meant to make you feel that way."

  "Your cum wasn't even dry on my skin before you were running for the door. How did you think that would make me feel?"

  I dropped my gaze to my feet. It hurt too much to look Lyn in the face when I felt like I was losing him. Granted, I didn't exactly have him, but it seemed as if any chance I might have had was going up in smoke.

  "I didn't mean to make you feel like that, Lyn. I just knew if I didn't get out of there, I was never going to leave, and I couldn't let that happen."

  "Why not?"

  The million-dollar question.

  I rubbed my hands over my face as I groaned.

  "I want the truth, Victor, the whole truth, or I'm kicking you out of here permanently. I'll get a restraining order if I have to."

  "Maybe you should." I chuckled ruefully. "It's probably the only way you'll be able to keep me away from you."

  "The truth, Victor."

  "When you first joined the team, I wanted you, Lyn. I wanted you bad. And I had every intention of having you, but then I got to know you and realized just how sweet you are, how innocent, and I knew you weren't ready for me."

  Lyn frowned as he walked around his desk. "What do you mean I wasn't ready for you?"

  "I'm not a gentle man, Lyn." I hated admitting that, but Lyn needed to know the truth. "The reason I'm so good at my job is because I have no mercy. Not an ounce. I locked my emotions away a very long time ago, but when I do feel something, I feel it more than anyone you've ever met. I didn't want that for you."

  "Don't you think I had the right to make that decision?"

  I didn't realize until he asked his question that Lyn had moved all the way around his desk and now stood within an arm's reach of me.

  And oh, I so wanted to reach out to him.

  I ached to hold him in my arms again.

  "I'm scared I'm going to hurt you, Lyn." My admission was whispered, but it felt as if I shouted it into the quietness of the room. I tapped my chest. "The feelings I have inside can get so extreme sometimes, I can't contain them."

  "Are you afraid you'd hit me?"

  "No!" I closed my eyes for a moment. "God, no," I said as I opened them. "I'd never raise a hand to you. Ever. But I can get a little intense sometimes."

  Lyn lifted one eyebrow. "A little intense?"

  I shrugged.

  Lyn heaved a heavy breath before saying, "Look, Victor, I'm a grown man, and I'm the only one who gets to make decisions about my life. Not you, not Sal, not anyone except me. If I choose to be with someone—"

  I growled.

  Lyn rolled his eyes then continued. "If I choose to be with you, that's my choice, not yours. Just as it's my choice if I decide not to be with you."

  "I was trying to keep you from getting hurt."

  Didn't he understand that?

  "Yeah, well," Lyn said, "that doesn't seem to be working out so well for me."

  "I'll get whoever is after you, Lyn."

  If it took the rest of my life.

  "This has nothing to do with that, Victor. I'm talking about how you kicked me to the curb after I resigned. I'm talking about how you suddenly think you can just walk back into my life after years of ignoring me, years of me wishing you'd acknowledge that I was alive. I'm talking about ten years of wanting you then finally giving up on that dream only to have you come barreling back into my life."

  Well, hell, put like that, I wouldn't want anything to do with me either.

  "Do you want me to leave?"

  The words left a bitter taste in my mouth, but they had to be spoken.

  "Do I want it? No, but it might be for the best. My life is different now." Lyn glanced away as he crossed his arms. "I can't have you here if you're not sure you're going to stay. I have someone else to think about now."

  "The baby?" When he'd first said he had a baby coming, I thought he was joking, but now I wasn't so sure.

  Lyn's look was quick. "Yes."

  "You're really having a baby?"

  I'd never heard Lyn mention wanting to have kids. Of course, I tended to avoid personal conversations with the man. Learning about him led to wanting him.

  Lyn's sweet smile said it all. "His name is going to be Christopher James. He's due in two weeks."

  "Christopher James?"

  James was my middle name. Lyn knew that. I knew he knew that. From the flush filling his cheeks, he knew that I knew that he knew that.

  Following that line of thought made my brain hurt.

  "I used a surrogate. Her name is Carrie. She's wicked smart. She's going to be a doctor."

  I smiled as I watched the joy cross over Lyn's face. "You're really excited about this."

  Lyn's smile broadened until his teeth gleamed. "I am."

  "I'm glad."

  I just didn't know where that left me.

  "You never mentioned wanting to have kids before."

  Lyn shrugged. "You never asked."

  That was true.

  "So, new job, new house, and new family." I drew in a fortifying breath then mentally crossed my fingers. "Do you have room in there for a new love interest?"

  "I don't know."

  My heart sank down to my toes.

  "How do you feel about kids?"

  "I guess I've never really thought about it. I've never had anyone in my life that I trusted enough to have kids with."

  Wait.

  That didn't sound right.

  "At least not anyone I was dating."

  That didn't sound right either.

  Lyn snorted. "I've seen the kind of men you date, Victor. I wouldn't trust having kids with them either."

  "They weren't you, Lyn. I wasn't keeping them."

  He had to know that.

  "You filled that area of my heart even if you didn't know it," I continued quickly. "There wasn't room for anybody else."

  Lyn's eyes filled. "Really?"

  Crap. Now I'd made him cry.

  I hated crying.

  I especially hated Lyn crying.

  I grabbed his arm and dragged him into my arms. I pressed his face into my neck then buried my face in his hair. "I told you, baby. I love you. That didn't leave room for anyone else. Only you."

  "I want to believe you so bad," Lyn whispered against my throat, "but I'm afraid you'll just leave me again. I don't think I could survive it a second time."

  I tightened my hold on the man. "I won't change my mind, Lyn. I swear. Let me stay." I closed my eyes and prayed with everything in me. "Please."

  "I won't give up my son."

  My heart stuttered with hope.

  "I wouldn't ask you to. I understand that you come as a package deal."

  "I won't move. I like this house."

  My heart started beating faster. "It's a nice house."

  Lyn leaned back to look up at me. I winced at the tear tracks on his cheek.

  "If I give you another chance, and you leave, you won't have to worry about me getting a restraining order against you. I'll have Eddie sic his father on you."

  Strangely enough, that threat made me feel better.

  I pressed a kiss to Lyn's lips before brushing back his hair. "I promise, if I ever change my mind—which I won't—I'll go see Eddie's father myself." Without Lyn, I'd pray for death. A mobster could make it happen.

>   "You know, your intensity is one of the things I like about you."

  I inhaled a shaky breath. "Yeah?"

  I'd spent my entire life learning to control the strong emotions I felt until I learned to bury them so deep, I hardly ever felt anything. When they did escape, they slid into the extreme range, which was the main reason I was so scared of being with Lyn.

  "Don't ever let me hurt you, Lyn."

  I wasn't afraid I'd hurt him physically. That would never happen. I was terrified I'd overwhelm him with my dominant personality and need for control. I was terrified that I would hold him so tightly, he had no room to breathe and grow. I was terrified that the things I needed would become too much for him and he'd leave me.

  "You know, you can manhandle me a little bit."

  I quickly shook my head even as my heart stopped beating. "No, I—"

  My breath caught in my throat when I saw something flare to life in Lyn's eyes.

  A sensual smile curved up his lips. His hands curled into my shirt. A very impressive solid length pressed against me.

  I released my breath as I tightened my arms. "Lyn."

  Lyn's eyes dropped to my lips. "Manhandle me, Victor."

  I knew he had no idea what he was saying, but I was helpless to deny him. I picked him up then swung him around and pressed him into the wall. I pushed up against him, holding him right where I wanted him.

  I gripped a handful of his hair then tilted his head to the angle I wanted, and then I kissed him. I let everything I was feeling, all the love and longing I'd been keeping locked behind a strong wall of control, run free.

  I wanted to consume Lyn.

  I pushed my tongue between his lips and explored him as I never had before. I licked his lips and sucked on his tongue. I tightened my grip on his hair, forcing his head back. I dug my fingers into his hip.

  Lyn said he could handle me.

  I wanted to see if that was true.

  My entire body stilled when Lyn groaned and went soft in my arms. I lifted my head and stared down at him.

  I wasn't sure I'd ever seen anything more stunning.

  Lyn's lips were red and swollen. His skin was flushed with arousal. His eyes were half-closed, but what I could see of them made my entire body tight. His pupils were blown by the passion and need glowing in his eyes.

  "You…" I licked my lips. "This doesn't scare you."

  Lyn's lips curved up, and he moved against me, his hard cock brushing against mine. "No, it doesn't."

  Oh god.

  I dove back in for another kiss, a longer kiss. I finally felt as if I could let everything go and Lyn would catch me. It was a heady feeling. Something I had never felt before.

  I was almost giddy.

  I grabbed his ass with my free hand, digging my fingers into the softly rounded globe. Even through his jeans I knew I was leaving red marks on his skin. Instead of scaring me, that idea gave me a measure of pride.

  I wanted to mark Lyn.

  I wanted everyone to know he was mine.

  And he was mine. He said I could stay. I was keeping him, and I dared anyone to try and take him away from me.

  "Well," someone behind me said, "this is awkward."

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lyn

  I grunted as Clarke suddenly pulled away from me, spun, then pushed me back into the wall. For a moment, I didn't understand what was going on until I looked around him and saw Jordan standing in the doorway, the gun in his hand pointed right at us.

  "Jordan?"

  "Lyn," the man replied as he looked directly at me. He gestured with the gun. "Move out where I can see you."

  Clarke pressed back against me, keeping me where I was.

  I screamed when Jordan shot Clarke.

  When Clarke dropped to the floor, I started for him.

  "Uh, uh, uh." Jordan waved the gun again, gesturing for me to get back.

  Tears flooded from my eyes as I glanced down at Clarke. He was lying on his stomach and a pool of red was spreading out from underneath him, but his chest was moving up and down.

  He was breathing.

  "Why are you doing this?" I cried out as I looked at Jordan. "What did I ever do to you?"

  "You left me!" Jordan snarled.

  My head snapped back. "I didn't leave you. You left me."

  "You didn't try to stop me."

  I'm pretty sure Jordan was insane.

  How had I missed that?

  "You said I was ready to settle down and you weren't, so you left. Why would I try to stop you if you didn't want to be with me?"

  That just didn't make sense.

  "You were supposed to stop me."

  I was confused.

  I squinted at Jordan. "You wanted me to stop you?"

  "Of course I wanted you to stop me. We're supposed to be together forever." I was surprised by the tears that sprang up in Jordan's eyes. "I loved you. You were supposed to love me."

  "Since when?"

  Not that it would have mattered. I had only ever loved Clarke.

  "You were mine," Jordan shouted. "You were mine since the first moment we met. I knew and you knew it."

  Jordan started waving the gun around wildly. My first instinct was to duck in case he accidently pulled the trigger, but I wanted to get the gun out of the holster at my back even more.

  "I had it all planned. We were going to move to LA on the money I had coming in and set up shop there. We were going to—" Jordan stopped and looked at me then glanced around the room, a little frown wrinkling his forehead. "Where is it? Where's the briefcase?"

  "That was your briefcase?"

  "No, love, it was ours." Jordan gave me that same sickly sweet smile that used to make my knees go weak. Now it just made me nauseous. "It's the payout for everything that was fenced. I know Turner gave it to you. Where is it?"

  I swallowed tightly as a new fear filled me. "You killed Turner?"

  "He betrayed me!" Jordan snapped. "He tried to keep the money for himself."

  "He was a cop, Jordan. You killed a cop."

  "I know he was a cop!"

  "You killed him," I said again, because it seriously needed to be repeated until Jordan realized what he'd done. "You could get the chair for that."

  "No, you can help me. They'd never suspect the lover of a cop of killing another cop."

  "You're not my lover."

  "The hell I'm not."

  He was seriously delusional.

  "Look, Jordan." I tried to loosen my body as I took a step closer. I needed to be ready to act. "We are not together. We will never be together. You need to understand that. You left me, not the other way around. And, now that I know what you're capable of, there is no way in hell I'm taking you back."

  It probably wasn't in my best interest to give him the truth, but we were way beyond lying here. He had killed a cop. He had robbed people. He had beaten me up. He…

  Wait.

  "Why in the hell did you beat me up?"

  "Because you were talking crazy, just like you are now."

  "So, you beat me up? In what world does that make me want to get back together with you?"

  Jordan stomped his foot. "You wouldn't listen to me."

  Seriously, he stomped his foot.

  "What? Are you two?" I slid my hand behind my back and gripped the handle of my gun. "You threw a temper tantrum because you didn't get your way? Are you going to hit me now? Are you going to beat me up again if I don't do what you say?"

  "No." Jordan turned his gun on me. "I'm going to make sure you join your little boy toy there."

  I whipped my gun out and fired.

  I heard two shots.

  For a moment, I wondered if I'd been shot. Then I watched as two red spots appeared on Jordan's shirt and slowly began to spread until they merged together in one big bloody splotch.

  "Holy shit!"

  I'd never shot anyone before.

  "Gun, Lyn," Clarke grumbled. "Get the gun."

  Right.

&nbs
p; I hurried over and picked Jordan's gun up. I put mine back in my holster then put Jordan's on my desk. I quickly tapped a button on my computer that would call emergency personnel, including Sal—it was the computerized version of a panic button—then hurried over to Clarke.

  "How bad is it?" I asked without trying to move him.

  I gasped when Clarke rolled over and sat up. "It's just an arm wound, baby. A couple of stitches and I'll be fine. Your mesh shirt thing worked really well. He just hit me in the arm and not the chest."

  "I thought you were dead."

  Sort of.

  I thought he was horribly wounded.

  Clarke winced as he pressed a hand to his arm. "I promise, I'm okay."

  I was not reassured.

  "Go secure your prisoner, Lyn."

  Right.

  I grabbed my handcuffs out of my desk drawer then hurried over and secured Jordan's hands behind his back. I had no ill feelings about rolling him over. I hoped it hurt.

  His groan said it did.

  I'd never shot anyone before. I'd be damned if I killed him. I might hate him, and I might want him to suffer a bit, but I didn't want him dead.

  Maybe.

  I ran to the bathroom off my office and grabbed the first aid kit from under the sink. I brought it back to the office and laid it on my desk. I quickly opened it then searched around until I had the supplies I needed.

  I tossed a roll of gauze to Clarke then dropped to my knees to start taking care of Jordan. I pressed several gauze pads to the wounds in his chest, applying pressure. I didn't want him to bleed out before the ambulance got here.

  "You were supposed to be mine," Jordan whispered.

  I glanced up to find the man staring back at me. "Sorry." I nodded my head toward Clarke. "I belong to him."

  * * * *

  Clarke

  I grumbled as I reached over to the nightstand and grabbed my cell phone then held it to my ear. "Hello?"

  Oh wait.

  I blinked and widened my eyes until I could see the screen then swiped my finger across it, then held it to my ear. "Hello?"

  "I didn't catch you sleeping, did I?"

  "Sal?" I grunted as I glanced at the alarm clock. "Why in the hell are you calling at one o'clock in the morning?"

  "Because I just got off the phone with Burke and I thought you'd want to know what he said."